Below is a wonderful outline of the vital and critical importance of the home and family to not only the individuals in the family, but to society as a whole. Unfortunately, as he mentions below, this is not a subject which garners much attention in the public square. Yet, it should, because, as he so persuasively points out, the home is the seat of the solution to most of the ills which plague modern society. “The home,” he asserts, “lies at the headwaters of the stream of civilization,” and should receive receive the care and emphasis it merits. There is much, much more, but it is best read in his own eloquent, thought provoking, and prophetic words.
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Our best opportunity to develop discipleship is in the home, including the skills needed for communication. The family is the institution about which few people talk, and about which little is done in America. Yet we continue to use compensatory educational, economic, governmental, and political programs to solve or treat problems that are actually rooted in the home. Even though these efforts are sincere and needed, they will never deal fully with the problem of an unloved child who has not learned discipline or work, and the resultant tragedy which so often occurs.
The American home needs help badly. The pressing need for effectiveness in solving human problems will turn our attention, finally, in America, to the home as an institution. It is there that we most often learn about love, trust, self-discipline, and work. Our society rests on "obedience to the unenforceable"—a special kind of self-discipline—and this is best taught in the home. In this sense, our roles as fathers and mothers are more crucial than our public roles, for "no other success can compensate for failure in the home." ...
Concentrating on the quality of life in the home is, ultimately, the best way to raise the quality of life in society. A concern for justice in the home—experienced and discussed—could do much to assure concern for the underprivileged. This could result in wise legislation or even make legislation unnecessary. One of the best ways to prepare to replicate love, trust, discipline, and concern is for children to experience them, to know their fruits, and to refuse to be satisfied with a world devoid of such qualities.
Failure in the home clearly calls for compensatory institutions, but the home lies at the headwaters of the stream of civilization, and we must keep it happy and pure. When the home fails or is polluted, we must, of course, support "treatment" efforts downstream. But we must not become so fascinated with the filtering operation that we ignore prevention and desert our post at the headwaters. Building a happy home may not seem to have the immediate human impact of counseling in a juvenile detention center. Both are necessary, but the emphasis should fall on the home if we wish to prevent massive misery.
So far as contemporary American society is concerned, it is difficult to conceive of any issues around which there could be such profound separation as that which now exists around the role and mission of the home and family. The current indifference toward the home includes such inaccurate assertions as:
—The family is no longer vital because it is not an effective economic unit.
—The family is irrelevant because one human being cannot really meet the needs of another. This is especially true in a situation in which authority is vested in imperfect individuals such as parents who often seek to meet their needs, not those of their children.
—The family and marriage are not so crucial because we must get used to ever-changing, temporary relationships with other humans, rather than those which make continuing demands of us, such as the family.
It seems peculiar that advocates of family change become upset with some of us because we are not enthralled with their new labels for old, and unwise, practices. The anti-family proponents have simply relabeled sexual freedom as a chance for meaningful relationships, which is just a cover for fornication or adultery. Rhetoric seems to cover the need for real reform.
It is also odd that a culture which has reached a plague level of alienation would have us cut away the final moorings of the family, and that a society in danger of anarchy should seek to depose one last source of authority—parents. Our society pleads for more outer controls to compensate for our unwillingness to discipline ourselves, yet attacks the home where there is still the best chance to learn self-control.
Where can one better develop his capacity to love while he is being loved unconditionally, than in family life?
The best place for procreation is still the family which can offer a child love and a sense of belonging. We have enough data to tell us about the extra perils of children born out of wedlock, who never know their father.
The home is still one of the best places to learn the importance of work. Gibran said that "work is love made visible," and the interplay of love and work learned in a family can affect one's whole lifestyle and the quality of his subsequent service to mankind.
The best place to struggle with our need to establish a balance between freedom and order is with those who can help us with our failures—the family. It is the best place to acquire beliefs and values with which to cope with life, just as a home is the best place for sanctuary and renewal.
A committed member of the Church must understand the implications of his beliefs with regard to the home. This different commitment will mean, among many things, knowing that—
—the home is so crucial that it will be the source of our greatest failures as well as our greatest joys.
—the home is one place that will press us to practice every major Gospel principle, not just a few as may be the case in some fleeting and temporary relationships.
—the pressures of life in a family will mean we shall be known as we are, that our frailties will be exposed and, hopefully, we shall then correct them.
—the affection and thoughtfulness required in the home is no abstract exercise in love. It is real. It is no mere rhetoric concerning some distant human cause. It is an encounter with raw selfishness, with the need for civility, of taking turns, of being hurt and yet forgiving, of being at the mercy of others' moods and yet understanding why we sometimes inflict pain on each other.
—family life is a constant challenge, not a periodic performance we can render on a stage and run for the privacy of a dressing room to be alone with ourselves. The home gives us a great chance to align our public and private behavior, to reduce the hypocrisy in our lives—to be more congruent with Christ.
Committing oneself to the unglamorous demands of discipleship in family life is not a task for those who wish to run away, nor for those whose human causes are chosen precisely because the cause is distant and makes no real demands of them. It is the same for all the basic teachings of Jesus which constitute that solitary path to salvation.(1)
Let's think together again, soon.
Notes:
1. Neal A. Maxwell, A Time to Choose, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1975, 84-88.
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